Taming Your Inner Critic – Part II

Post written by guest blogger Angie Snyder, PsyD, OITE Wellness Advisor 

Last week, we wrote about the purpose of one’s inner dialogue and we encouraged you to journal for a week to catch your own thoughts.

Shift to a Compassionate Critic

When we think of taming the inner critic, it can be helpful to look at the definitions of a critic.  There are two definitions of criticism with different connotations:

1.  A person who indulges in fault-finding & censure, and

2. A person skilled in forming opinions and giving judgements.  Examples include a literary critic, a movie critic, or a music critic who acts as a guide to help determine what is of value and what needs to be changed.

It is likely that when your inner critic is speaking up, the angle is more aligned with the first definition – that of someone who is finding fault, censuring, or acting from a place of fear or negativity.   Consider shifting your inner critic to one that is more like a coach – someone who is thinking critically, but in a compassionate and supportive way, to give constructive feedback about what you’ve done well and where you can make improvement.  This approach can lead you to having a healthier, kinder relationship with yourself that is also realistic and conducive to growth and learning. 

You may need to practice how to speak to yourself in these kinder, yet still constructive ways.  The following steps can be helpful in doing so:

1. Look at what you wrote in your journal that your inner critic said to you throughout the week.

2. Ask yourself – is this really true? What evidence might you find to the contrary. For example, if your inner critic said, “You are stupid,” or similar comments throughout the week, take time to write down what you have done in your life that demonstrates the contrary (ie., you graduated with a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, perhaps even a doctorate. You know how to speak two or more languages, you are good with numbers, etc.)

3. Consider if there is some useful information in the critique of yourself that you can better access when you remove the disparaging comments. Perhaps it’s true that you have a skill that needs some practice or further study. You can make a note of that in your journal and consider how and when you’ll work to make this progress.

4. If you’re having a difficult time speaking kindly to yourself, think about how you’d rephrase the statement if you were speaking to a close friend or a child for whom you wish to provide guidance or to encourage learning or support.

5. Create sticky notes with more empowering affirmations, and post them in places you will see them each day.

Like any change, persistence, consistency and patience are often required.  Continue to pay attention to the voice in your mind, catch it when it’s being harsh, and gently shift it to be more supportive, caring and encouraging in tone and words.

Taming Your Inner Critic - Part I

Post written by guest blogger Angie Snyder, PsyD, OITE Wellness Advisor

Most people have an inner critic – one or more “voices” inside the mind that are critical, harsh, and just not pleasant to live with every day.  Examples include: “You’re stupid!” “You don’t belong here.” “You are unlovable!” “You’re such an idiot, how could you have done that!” and “You’ll never succeed.” 

While some people think the inner critic is needed to motivate them to be successful, most people also find this inner chatter to be distracting and distressing, contributing to feeling discouraged or worthless.  In addition, people often think they don’t have any control over this inner dialogue.  However, there are steps you can take to manage your inner critic, and even begin to change the language inside of your head to be more of an inner coach.  

Understand the Purpose of the Inner Dialogue

Before taking steps to manage the inner critic, it can be helpful to understand why humans have an inner dialogue and what purpose it serves.  The capacity of having language inside of the mind is uniquely human in the animal kingdom.  This internal monologue allows someone to “hear” themselves talk without actually speaking and forming sounds.  This ability enables reflection upon oneself and helps people to:

• simulate plans;

  • make sense of who they are and what has happened in their lives;

  • store and manipulate information in the mind; and

  • plan for the future.

Taking time to reflect with awe on these amazing mental capacities can be a good first step to shift one’s relationship to the inner dialogue.

The nature of the inner dialogue is formed in part from early experiences.  When young and language capacities develop, children begin to utilize the inner dialogue to make meaning of experiences and relationships with others.  While many experiences are positive, there also can be negative reactions and messages that are explicitly or implicitly communicated by parents, caregivers, peers, siblings, other influential adults, or society.  These messages are then internalized – meaning that they are taken in consciously or unknowingly from others and adopted as one’s own thoughts or beliefs.  Kids are particularly sensitive to what a parent says during times of stress.  For example, if a parent is overwhelmed and exclaims, “You’re driving me crazy! You’re so demanding,” and this is a message relayed somewhat consistently, a child might take this to be true and it then becomes their own inner belief expressed and reinforced through inner dialogue.  Inner dialogue can also impact behavior, which in this example might include a person not speaking up for want they want and need in reaction to worrying that they truly are too demanding.

Catching Thoughts

An important next step to shifting your inner dialogue is to pay attention to what your relationship is to your inner critic, what your inner dialogue is saying, and how prevalent it is throughout your day.  Often people become so accustomed to this inner chatter that while barely audible, it’s nonetheless a powerfully influential hum that colors one’s mood and thinking.  Are you aware of having an inner dialogue? How often is it speaking negatively to you? Positively?  What are the messages and beliefs it is conveying? It can be helpful to take time to listen to the messages of your inner voice to be clearer about what its role is in your life, how you relate to it, and what specifically it is that you are saying to yourself.  Over the course of a week, you likely will begin to see a pattern in the theme of these messages that illuminates beliefs about your worth and capacities.

Specifically, in a journal, you can answer the following questions to begin to “Catch Your Thoughts:”

1. Do you believe it’s important to have an inner critic? Why?

2. What do you notice that your inner voice says to you? Write down the exact words you say to yourself.

3. How much do you think you’re aware of it through your days?

Steps to Manage Reentry Anxiety

Post written by guest blogger Angie Snyder, PsyD, Wellness Advisor

Over 14 months ago, our lives changed abruptly when we needed to stay home, social distance, and mask-up due to coronavirus.  For many, this sudden change led to life circumstances that were vastly different than how we’d lived before.  Now well documented, people across the globe have experienced great challenges including loss, grief, fear, stress, economic destabilization, and the psychological impact of monotony.  Despite all of the difficulties, some people have also found benefit and enjoyment to the changed circumstances – people have learned to enjoy a slower pace of life, more time with family and loved ones at home, new hobbies, less commuting, more sleep, and fewer demands of planning and decision making. 

Now that restrictions are easing and people are beginning to return to work, school, and socializing in more active ways, there is a whole new set of anxieties about what the near-future holds.   For example, those who struggled with social anxiety before the pandemic have had less opportunity to practice engaging with others, which has only increased their social anxiety.  People’s anxieties about re-entry include, but are not limited to:

*Fear of becoming sick with coronavirus, even if they’ve been vaccinated;

* Self-consciousness and/or fear of engaging in-person with people;

*Fear of being in public;

*Uncertainty from a shifting of relationships and concern about who remains their friend;

*Overwhelm with a flood of personal and professional decisions that were on hold, and

*Worry about returning to an unhealthy, overly-scheduled life.

Fortunately, unlike mid-March 2020, most of us now have opportunities to move more slowly and with more say in how we operate with the changes to come.  The following three steps might help you determine what is your unique, best path forward.

Reflect: Assess What You Want to Keep/Let Go – Give yourself time to reflect upon how you want to proceed in the coming months.  Journaling and conversations with a trusted friend, colleague, family member or therapist can help you determine what you value and what you want to prioritize in your days.  Ask yourself and answer, “What have I enjoyed and valued since the beginning of the pandemic, and what of this do I want to maintain?”  Perhaps you want to ensure you continue spending time playing the guitar, baking, painting, or enjoying whatever hobby you cultivated during the pandemic.  You might also want to continue monthly Zoom meetings with friends or family in another country or state.  Maybe you want to ensure that you continue to have a couple of unstructured hours on the weekend or weeknights to relax. Then, consider and answer the following – “What do I want to let go of that did not serve me well during the pandemic?” Perhaps you have been eating or drinking too much or spending too much time on the computer. 

Also, consider writing down what you know you need or want to do, but are scared to do – such as socializing in-person, going back to the lab, or traveling by plane.  Acknowledge what you’re afraid of or nervous about with non-judgmental acceptance.

Act: One Step at a Time – Once you’ve taken time to reflect, you can begin to think about what you want to commit to personally and professionally.  Even if you’re anxious about that activity or responsibility, gently encourage yourself to take a first step.  Anxiety is fueled by avoidance, and the longer one avoids something, the scarier it seems.  So do go forward and make plans to meet in-person with a friend, but don’t overextend yourself with too many commitments too soon.  Going slowly is also important to help you titrate discomfort.  While some discomfort is okay and helps to rebuild the “muscle” of returning to work in-person, commuting or socializing, too much anxiety can inhibit growth and thus thwart your efforts.  Enjoy the luxury of choice where you have it, and move slowly and intentionally forward toward your goals and priorities.

Communicate: Your Feelings and Boundaries – When you know what you want to do and what you don’t want to do, you can more clearly communicate this with your friends and colleagues.  Practice assertively sharing what you are most comfortable doing for your safety or mental well-being.  If you are nervous about returning to the lab, consider speaking to your PI to learn what protocols are in place to ensure a safe work environment and what choices you have to balance work in the lab with work from home.  If people invite you to a large gathering, and you prefer to start with a smaller group or an activity in a less crowded environment, let them know that you want to see them, and articulate options that would be most comfortable to you.  

Overall, be gentle with yourself as yet again you adapt to change; and, remember to take care of yourself and reach out for support as needed.

Finding Connection in an Age of Loneliness and Social Distancing

April 5, 2021

Post written by guest blogger Angie Snyder, PsyD, Wellness Advisor

Prior to the pandemic, loneliness was an epidemic.  More and more people reported feeling lonely, isolated, disconnected – married people, single people, people living with others or alone.   Then, just over one year ago, with the onset of the COVID pandemic, factors collided to increase an already concerning phenomenon. In this turbulent time of uncertainty, loss, and fear, just when people needed more than ever to feel connected, there was an increase in isolation.  While the implementation of social distancing guidelines has been necessary to maintain physical health, it has taken a toll on people’s mental well-being.  People have lost their ability to spend time in-person with others in their families, social networks, religious communities, and professional organizations. 

The experience of being lonely has real health consequences.  Dr. Vivek Murthy, a former Surgeon General and physician who has been nominated by President Joe Biden to become the 21st Surgeon General, recently wrote a book entitled Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.   Researcher and teacher Brene Brown interviewed Dr. Murthy for one of her podcasts and referenced a study described in his book that found “people with strong social relationships are 50% less likely to die prematurely than people with weak social relationships. Even more striking, she [the researcher] found that the impact of lacking social connection on reducing life span is equal to the risk of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It’s greater than the risk associated with obesity, excess alcohol consumption, and a lack of exercise.” (1)(2)

You are NOT alone in feeling alone, and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling lonely.  Many trainees started a new job with the NIH during the pandemic, and/or moved to a new town.  This is a stressor at any point in life, but when one isn’t able to work in the lab with the usual number of colleagues, when one hasn’t been able to go out after work for a drink or a coffee, or when one can’t join a gym or go to yoga to meet other like-minded people, this limits the opportunity to make new friends or perhaps meet someone to begin a romantic relationship.  Even trainees who are married or live with another also experience loneliness.  Their roommate or partner might work different hours than they, leaving them alone for long stretches of time.  Married or partnered pairs might be so busy working and tending to family and work responsibilities that there is no time to connect.  Others may have a deep and satisfying relationship with their partner but feel lonely without their usual friend or work community.

Given the real health consequences of loneliness, it is important to pay attention to yourself to see if you might be lonely, and then consider steps you can take to reduce this experience.  In his book, Dr. Murthy wrote that researchers have identified three dimensions of loneliness. 1) Intimate or emotional loneliness, which is “the longing for a close confidant or intimate partner with whom you share a deep mutual bond of affection and trust;” 2) Relational or social loneliness, which is the “yearning for quality friendships, social companionship and support;” and 3) Collective loneliness, which is “the hunger for a network or a community of people who share your sense of purpose and interests.” (1)(2)  If you sense that you might be feeling lonely but you haven’t been sure why, it could be useful to think about each of these dimensions and commit to devoting more time to building meaningful connection in that arena.

A recent OITE support group that I led for scientists in training was for people who recognized feeling lonely during the pandemic.  I structured the group in a way to help people not only connect, but also to learn and practice ways to improve the quality of their connections.  This included having members share: 1) what they were struggling with in their lives while others practiced listening with compassion, 2) what they were grateful for in their lives, and 3) what they were celebrating about their accomplishments – small or large.  These practices helped members experience deeper, more genuine ways of being and communicating with each other that enabled them to feel more connected, and a little less lonely.  As your opportunities to spend time with people in-person begin to increase this year, I encourage you to experiment with these deeper ways of connecting with your romantic partner, family members, friends, and colleagues to see if this decreases your loneliness, and increases your experience of quality connectivity.  

If you are a trainee at the NIH, please also consider joining a support group – Connecting in a Time of Loneliness.  This group will be held on Wednesdays 3 p.m. EDT beginning May 5, 2021.  If you are interested in joining, please email OITE-Wellness@nih.gov.

References

1. Episode Attribution – Brown, B. (Host). (2020, April 21). Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brene on Loneliness and Connection.[Audio podcast episode]. In Unlocking Us with Brene Brown. Cadenc13. https;//brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-vivek-murth-and-brene-on-loneliness-and-connection

2. Murthy, V. (2020.) Together: the healing power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. HarpersCollins Publishers.

Put Your Heart Back Into Love

As Valentine’s Day approaches, there is the obvious mad-dash to buy chocolate, have flowers delivered, make a dinner reservation, and perhaps scribble a few lines of appreciation to a loved one.  

There also are many who are single – some dating, looking for love, or just perusing options with an occasional flare of hope for relationship dreams to be fulfilled.

While cards, chocolates, and displays often are designed with a heart, how often is your heart truly invested in day-to-day engagement with your partner or date?  Especially over time after being hurt, disappointed, or just busy with daily living, the essence of connecting with a loved one often takes the back-burner.

Loving another requires empathy

Loving another – truly seeking to understand what they want from you to feel cherished and be treated with care – requires empathy.

Empathy involves effort to understand cognitively and emotionally what another feels, thinks, and desires. Strive to really know how your partner is doing with whatever is going on in their slice of life, even if it’s existing right alongside yours.

How do you exercise your heart and mind to strengthen the muscle of empathy?

The following are some simple, yet not always easy, suggestions that would help you to know your partner a little more deeply, and in turn for them to feel seen, understood, and valued by you.

Respond to what you hear with more questions

Slow down to ask your partner how their day is going, and really listen to the answer – what do their eyes, words, and body language convey?  Respond to what you hear with more questions, comments, or reflections about what they’re discussing and how it is for them, rather than turning the conversation back to you.

Consider how you can be there to celebrate and uplift your partners’ successes or provide support and care for where they are challenged.

Do they need you to listen and understand without providing advice? Do they want suggestions about how to deal with a situation? Ask them what they most want from you at this time, and generously provide it.

Reflect upon or ask your partner how they most feel loved

Do they light up with compliments or upon hearing words of what they mean to you?

Do they ask for and become excited about time alone? Appreciate a thoughtful gift? Become more relaxed and happy with physical affection, touch, and/ or sexual intimacy?  Initiate one or more of these activities or ways of connecting that you believe would make them happy.

Help make the experience a sliver better for all on this journey

If you are dating, don’t forget that this person you are meeting, whether it’s just online exchanging messages before deciding to swipe left, for a first coffee or drink, on a third date, or during the third month is another human seeking to enjoy some element of connection.

Even if it’s only for one night of shared enjoyment, or a short time together before one of you realizes they are not your forever mate, be respectful. They might be your boss’s daughter, your neighbor’s son, or potentially your spouse.

Too often in dating, people are quick to judge and criticize, to ghost someone, to say small, yet hurtful comments.  While it might seem funny or be self-protective, you are crossing paths with another human seeking to find love.

Help make the experience just a sliver better for all on this journey who are courageously trying to bring a special someone into their lives.

Effort to put your heart back into love.